Kid

A dis-ease enters in our family.We figure out it yearns  to be noticed despite all our subtle efforts to hush it away. We clap our ears to the mourn of the disease. We uncover our ears only to find the mourn still playing.

If disease were a  human, it would be a 4 year old kid. Growing naughty in absence of empathy and affection.In the aftermath of persistent cold shoulder to him, he becomes rebellious.

From being playful and naughty to becoming rebellious, resistant and utlimately life threatening.

This new being.This recurring Cancer,Depression,Infertility,Lupus. This kidney failure. This being is still the kid inside waiting for someone to cuddle,listen,understand and build castles in the air with him.

The kid wants to give back.Slow down.Give him some love
A state of deep deep rest

Med-school Chronicles

Chapter 2

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Reminiscence Turning the leaf-2^nd year

It’s been amazing. But I don’t know what to expect next.

My least bet is Survival.

My best bet is Survival with Sanity intact.

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Reminiscence 2^nd year Mid-while

Ok

So if last year was about acclimatizing, this year is about turning the music a notch higher. 

I know the books; I know my style of studies. I know the discrepancies of the system and I know it doesn’t matter as long as I am fully acquainted with where I stand. 

I have also become a part of closely knit ‘We’

So we start daring to indulge in healthy deviations from conventional academics. We participate in the events and bag winning accolades. We are no more a spectating bulk of awe-struck audience.

We see our juniors pouring in now. A gust of in-their-shoes thoughts brush past us. Just how a year earlier we were there. Mesmerized. Polarized to feelings of frenzy, distress, delight. We feel for them and yet can’t find enough time to reach out for them. I guess they will have to figure it out for themselves. And who loves a movie spoiler anyway. No matter how much distress and emotional crests are saved when fore-told the end of the movie. We still call him a spoiler!

However, it’s that time of the year when obliging our seniority is nudged by the University. We brace up to throw a welcome party. Sharply trimmed and customized to our ideals and their liking, all of us have a whale of time. Next is another event of the sort. As far as the rumors in the air and people tell us, we have nailed it.

We are tripping and risking, learning and living. 

We are loving our ride.

Med-school Chronicles

Chapter 1

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Reminiscence Post admission-starting first year

It’s a blur. Everything is happening at such a python pace. I lose track of time.

People. They are watching, liking to love or tending to wait and watch my every move, every curl of the lips, look in the eyes, tone of my voice and vibe of my being. They want to know more about me.Single syllables won’t do anymore. They want to know if I am as sane or insane as them. 
But for me it’s a blur. I am still anchored to my past. I am not over anything. People from my past. 
Those who paved several years of my life with me are too strongly etched in my thoughts to oblige further accommodation. It’s like my past is crying not to leave it unattended.Forgotten.
Yet before me a tower of future with an aura of unknown charm and mystery stands invincible.

Between working hard and meeting a deadline, between sleeping a fitful sleep and power-waking to a startling start, I still feel the pull. The soft voice of my memories. I want to run back into the arms of all things familiar and all beings familiar. Now a mere spectacle of anyone familiar shoots my thoughts to nostalgia. 
Just how much time makes one’s desire of relating to someone so much so strong, so dire, so longed? Gratitude to physical exhaustion, I give in to rest for many a while.

But what of the soul untended?

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Reminiscence First year mid-while

Life has accelerated to a pace, my contemplative mind has side-stepped the track. I haven’t had time to know whether I love it or not, but time has welded me to my university life. The murmur of past has muted to a whisper. But a pleasant whisper when heeded. The tumultuous winds of transition have slowed and I have come to grips with reality. 

It wasn’t that bad. 

Just way too different way too fast.

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Reminiscence End of First year

I have realized my internal coil. The self-grown tried and tested principals wound around it. And this entire year I had stuck to them. Transition does predispose one to change oneself and in the wake drift away into the noise of the universe. Resistance is potent. There was initial self-borne inertia and then the natural apprehension of other’s response. But the freedom of choice still lies with me. 

The question begged was:

Why introduce old principals, values and your opinions into seemingly perfect and brand new system?

The system is just about ideal to forgive you for sticking too hard to your core. 

Nobody will de-recognize you or condemn you. A new system calls for a new you- new to boot. 

But I decide unflinchingly just how deep the system must temper my coil. 

To the depth of principal tinkering? No. Period.

If I give in now I will have to give in for the rest of years. And I am not ready to alienate myself from my roots just yet. Not until I revise in lieu of a better principal. It makes me what I am today. Today I am the fruit with roots stretched far deeper the ground than my stem above it... 

Today I am met with a feeling that when my life will look straight into my eyes and say Another ride? 

I might heave wholesome and nod a Yes.

Mind vs Heart

This blog post will mark the importance of ‘prompts’. A term and an idea I recently became familiar with though every writing is very much the consequence of this defining nano-second phenomenon called PROMPTS. For me these days, it has been a blog from the cutest buddy who is so proud of the loudest laughter that makes her contemporaries (myself included) extremely unsure about our own laughter cadences. Whenever I land on her piece I feel like overcoming all the occult inertia and start pushing my pen(metaphorically,as its more like pushing keys than pen, on laptop)

Thinking of which, its been ages that I have picked up pen to write anything randomly. I write my journal. "No. Its not a diary. It’s really a journal" (read with more emphasis than wimpy's claim) 

Diary records your life’s events-down to almost minute to minute and day to day occurrences. My brain is pretty great at recording all the pleasant and unpleasant events including the outright unnecessary ones to require to record my life in writing. Plus since I myself belong to a vehement albeit not proud bone-idle breed, my fingers demand the better of me to convince them to move.

On that note, I am suddenly glad that our body parts were not made autonomous .Our heart and brain ARE pretty much autonomous and to date have been playing havoc in more lives of people like me than not. They hardly sync!

When my heart wants to sleep only 5 minutes in excess, my mind commands to get up and make a sprint to shower to save another day from jitter-laden late start. When my heart wants to compliment someone, my brain tells me to just allow a subtle smile to that person to make his day. It tells me WELL YOU DON’T NEED TO ACT TOO SWEET ..TOO NAIVE..

Then again when in the middle of night (my middle of night is 3 to 4 AMish..scary timings I know) my brain begins to run and gallop so fiercely that my heart tells me to jump off the bed or it will break through the rib cage and go about sowing my gigantic thoughts all by itself. My heart starts racing as a cue to what its yearning with all its desire.It starts urging me to begin, get up, seize the moment. Even if somebody gets struck by a thud of heart attack in the event of watching me sitting up straight in the darkness on my laptop or playing guitar full volume in the next  room or emptying my book shelf to get my hands on that one book that has the seedlings to the brainchild of a mega project. It tells me to be THAT RIDICULOUS. That’s when my calm mind begins to tug at the rope of my next move. It tells me to first shut the crap up. Second it tells me to try to sleep and baths me expertly in a loud embarrassment of being awake this late. It begins with a mild whisper that becomes louder in my head and more stern as I begin to heed it. It tells me to imagine what kind of a mess I will be in the university  next day.It will move on to remind me how  I will have to spend the entire day with sunken panda-normous eyes with volatile attention span and my most dreaded apathetic blank face.

Flip side 

Whenever I have given in to my heart, I have never had to shed a single second in regret. The other day almost always suffered but I did not so badly in the aftermath. When I followed my brain,I just helped myself spending another day of a mediocre life

(More on mediocrity soon)

Think-blob

A powerhouse of speculations that drive you to insanity..

but when you pause and absorb..

listen and purr..

you grow..

Universe talks and life tells you when it unfolds like that. 

Future is what you feared it to be or what you decided it to be. 

Be decisive

You are universe and universe is you

Don't fight it

Upside to Alarm

We are all human beings..

And when we make mistakes and still work to reverse it somehow by keep moving and raving all the mental engines to figure out some way out of a dense custard thick mess..

Then is when our entire abilities are duely tested..

More prerequisite to sheer planning and patience and energy is SHEER OPTIMISM  almost little short of blind optimism..of a kind that world self help books warn us about.

Yes we might not arrive at the source of light through that tunnel but a blind unwavering faith laced with a flavour of madness that "a liitle more and we will be there" indeed of all the things keep us going..keep us from sinking into the dismality of dejecting reality!!

FOR SURE THEN THE TIDE OF OUR TIME would want to come along for the ride..OUR WAY!!

We as much as it holds true for all creatures, cant compromise on holding on our hopes..because the stretch of the arms of surrender is terrifying, mottled, ugly, and pulling!It has life and it evolves..evolves to pick at every sparkle from the canvas of all dimensions of life!!

Hope allows us to visualize through the toughest of problems. It lets us get started and no matter how roughened the road we find or how sluggish we make our gait (imagine ataxia) Hope evolves..and with hope our scheme evolves..

In the end if we go on with the same positive drive as when intrinsic Hope was born..we will if anything land on our feet..But NEVER BELOW IT

Life fuller

The best attitude is when you can comfortably expect nothing from someone and everything from yourself.Even better is when you provide and try and live up to expectations from your being...however tall unreachable and tough these are...When then nothing in around can bring you down as you have empowered only yourself to kill or save yourself..you become so consumed about being at your best..satisfying, pushing your limits and discovering, pulling your strings in every angle to beat the best out of yourself, your time, your being,your resources, your reserves,your ideas,your visions, your knowledge that no energy remains to look around to loiter and dwell at trivialities of time!

Successful people expect everything from themselves and seldom from others !